Never Let A German Tell A Joke

Never Let A German Tell A Joke

For the record, I’m half German, so I have eine permission slip allowing me to title an essay in this manner..

One of the many hats I wear is that of a keyboard player in a fairly successful band. Along with our usual gigs at various bars and clubs throughout the Southwest, we also do a lot of high-end weddings, private parties and corporate events. Last year we were hired to do a gig honoring the top sales people of a small company headquartered in Munich or somewhere, and the CEO (let’s call him Hans), decided to make a stateside appearance in order to congratulate his American employees personally. He also decided to tell a joke.

Let me start off by saying that everyone thinks they’re funny. Everyone except my friend Cullen who admits that he is probably the most non-funny person alive. He’s right. Totally not funny. At least he admits it. On the other hand there are certain ethnic and religious groups that have some sort of divine ability to tell a good joke and let me tell you, the Germans aren’t one of them. Hands down the best joke tellers are the Jews. For the other record, I’m 1/64^th Jewish so I also have another permission slip to use the term “Jews” as opposed to “Jewish People”, or “Members of the Jewish Persuasion”, or “Chosen Ones” or “Those People”.

A brief rundown of the top 7 racial and ethnic groups, 

and their current standing on the humor scale

Jewish Humor

The Jews are God’s chosen comedians. No group had produced more funny people than the Jews, and thanks to Jerry Seinfeld, Jerry Stiller and Jerry Lewis, people who live outside of New York and Florida now know what a Jew is. They also think we are all named Jerry. The Jews love two things, complaining and Chinese food. Get them to start complaining about the Chinese food and all of a sudden it becomes a stand-up routine. Then they start charging admission.

Sub-categories of Judaism:

·      Reformed

·      Conservative

·      Orthodox

·      Ultra-Orthodox

·      Hassidic

·      Comedic

Italian Humor

Get all 600 members of an Italian family together and it’s like being on the set of “Moonstruck” minus Cher. Growing up in New York, one of my best friends was Italian. I’d go out to Brooklyn to visit, and come back with ten pounds of leftovers and an aneurysm from laughing so hard. When it comes to humor, the Italians are one Gino away from being Jewish. Italians love two things, being compared to the Jews and eating. Invite a dozen Italians and Jews over for dinner, and the only way you’d be able to tell them apart is by the food they bring. The Italians will show up with 12 courses “Just like Mama used to make”, while the Jews show up with kreplach “Just like Mema used to burn”. After humor, the most important part of any Italian get together is good wine, while the most important part of any Jewish meal is a fire extinguisher.

Irish Humor

Unfortunately for the Irish, they’re usually so hung over they can’t remember how funny they actually are. Their jokes always have an Irishman in the set up, so it’s a safe bet that the punch line will involve a priest. The Irish love two things, booze and family. As soon as you start spending time with an Irishman, hearing him go on and on about his overbearing mother, and a father that beat the bejesus out of him and his 10 brothers and sisters all day and night, you immediately feel like part of the clan. Shot?

British Humour

While not a major player in the world of stand-up, British comedy has a unique style all its own. I would probably laugh more if I could understand what they were saying. Whenever I hear John Cleese speak, it sounds as if he’s got a bag of crumpets shoved in his mouth. The British love two things, bodily functions and men in drag. Combine a farting transvestite with some brilliant colloquialisms and an incoherent accent, and you’ve pretty much summed up the British take on comedy.

Black Humor

Black comedians love two things, white women and cursing. Or “cuss” for people who think that “curse” is a curse word. Or “cuss” word. There are two types of black comics: white/black like Whoopi Goldberg, and black/black like Chris Rock. I prefer the latter. If I want white, I’ll put in a George Carlin tape. A few famous black comedians: Richard Pryor, Eddie Murphy and Chris Rock. A few famous black comedians busted for possession: Richard Pryor, Eddie Murphy and Chris Rock.

Asian Humor

Aside from Margaret Cho, there are no Asian comics, and using the word “comic” for this lady is a stretch. Hands down she is the most un-funny “comedian” I have ever not laughed at. Asians love two things, other Asian comics and a table full of Jews at their restaurant. If self-deprecation and poor timing is the sign of a good comedian, Margaret Cho has nailed it. Don’t get me wrong, the Asians do have a sense of humor, but like the Korean nuclear program, they have yet to figure out a delivery system.

Latin Humor

Latin comics love two things, sex and knowing that they are the most upwardly mobile ethnic group since the Jackson 5. Present day Latin humor is seeing the largest growth of comics in the world of stand-up. Comedians like George Lopez, Paul Rodriguez and Greg Giraldo are currently making more money being funny than their Jewish counterparts, and we definitely feel threatened. Didn’t we used to own the entertainment industry?

After these groups comes everybody else. No doubt there are some unfunny Jews out there, and many of you might know a funny Lithuanian or two, but I’m not talking specifics. I’m here to stereotype and generalize about certain groups of people and their ability to tell a joke, and coming in dead last at the end of the (punch) line…are the Germans.

Disclaimer

I’m not saying Germans don’t have a good sense of humor. There’s humor there. And there’s a sense of it somewhere. The problem is that they can’t relay humor. They get funny, they just can’t be funny. This comes from the fact that Germans are a very methodical and cerebral lot with very little time for irony. It cuts into their whole “World domination” schedule.

Stand up and fall

So there we were, about two minutes away from taking the stage at this corporate function. Everyone was in good spirits. They had eaten, were slightly liquored up, and were ready to let loose. This is when Hans decided to come up to the mic to say a few words. After a few heavily accented niceties he says, “Which reminds me of a joke.” You know that moment when you can actually smell disaster? This was one of them. I’ve seen it before. Someone who has no business being near a microphone gets so excited by the sight of one, that he decides it’s time to fulfill his “stand-up” fantasy right then and there, once and for all. There is a name for this. It’s called failure. But he’s already out of the gate and running. My band mate and I hunker down off stage. And wait. “This is a good one” he says, “I assure you.”

What followed was what should have been a 30 second quip. Tops. It comes in just under 3 minutes. In comedy years, that’s an eternity. Whole careers have been ruined in less time. Michael Richards. By the time the punch line comes around, no one remembers why they’re there in the first place.

The main problem is that Germans are unable to leave out any detail. They (we) are such sticklers (shticklers) for specifics, that the whole point of the joke is lost somewhere between the two and a half minute set up, describing every detail right down to the buttons on Fritz’s Lederhosen, and the punch line, ‘Don’t look at me, that idiot makes his own lunch, (which was delivered the next day). And as for timing, the post office has better delivery.

He was dying. And he was taking us down with him. No mercy. No survivors. This was not just a train wreck, but a slow motion train wreck. Three minutes of agonizing, ear splitting verbal carnage. When the smoke cleared, the souls of two hundred once exuberant and enthusiastic employees lay strewn about the ballroom in a heap of excruciating awkwardness. It was if everyone had just woken up in another dimension with a severe case of teleportation jet lag. But Hans was the CEO and applause was mandatory. The forced laughter and obligatory ovation was almost as painful as the joke itself, but we could finally get on with our lives and start the show.  

Bringing an audience back from the brink of death is one of the most difficult things to do in this business. Immediately following the comedic catastrophe, people started frantically searching for air. They scrambled out of the room grabbing their drinks, trying to find some place where they could shake it off. At that moment some of them actually took up heroin, and we found ourselves playing to a crowd of roughly 20 people. Thanks for warming up the crowd for us Hans.

It’s not what you say but how you say it.

This is the comedian’s first commandment. The bottom line is that the German accent is not funny. It is not funny because there are no vowels. It is physically impossible for a German to hang on a word for emphasis without choking on a consonant. I remember my mom and my uncle having a discussion during Thanksgiving dinner one year regarding this issue. Being born bred and raise in Germany, my uncle absolutely loves speaking German. When my grandmother was still alive, they would converse in das father tongue as much as possible. In his opinion, it is an eloquent, exquisite and beautiful language. My mother on the other hand thought otherwise, and expressed her disdain by telling Gunter that she felt it to be terribly harsh, painfully uncomfortable, and nearly impossible to speak without dislocating your jaw. I love my uncle but I’m siding with mom on this one.

In the end, Hans walked away unscathed. He did what he set out to do, regardless of the consequences. I give him credit for that. Some people are oblivious to what’s going on around them and could care less about what people think. It helps if you’re a CEO. But if you’re the type who prefers not being heckled along your journey through life, know your strengths and know your weaknesses. Stick to what you do best. There is no question that a BMW is a fine automobile, and apple strudel is a wonderful dessert. But “shmetterling” should not be a word for “butterfly”, and German CEO’s should never be given the opportunity to “wing it” on stage.

I have great respect for my heritage. I just wish we spoke French.

FIN